


Fine

by WritingforTheAvengers



Category: Avengers, Captain America, MCU, Marvel, Steve Rogers - Fandom
Genre: Angst AF, F/M, Kim taeyeon - Freeform, kpop song, taeyeon - Freeform, the reader is really trying her best but she can't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-06 16:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18392474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingforTheAvengers/pseuds/WritingforTheAvengers
Summary: When one day, one month, one year passes, will we be living different lives?





	1. Day one

“Take care,” Steve said plainly, and soon after he left.

  
You felt numb, cold, empty. It wasn’t until your chest felt tight that you realized what had just happened. You looked for some Tylenol on your cabinet and felt physically better; the rest of you was still numb and drifting away.

You took your phone and messaged Tony.

“ _Hey, so, Steve and I just broke up and I since nothing ties me to you guys anymore, I quit. I wish I wasn’t such a coward, but I couldn’t bear to run into him at the compound on my way to your office. I’m forever grateful for letting me in and I’m sorry for doing this like this_.”

  
You had to get better, you had to be fine, and you looked for a notebook to write it down. “ ** _FINE_** ” in big, black letters. You attached it to the fridge as a reminder that you were fine. Or at least, that was the goal. As you put the magnet over the paper, it kind of hit you. The word had been over used before that day, and the memories flooded your mind.

  
When people asked about your relationship with Steve, you used that word to describe it, even when you had stopped having sex, and you didn’t even fight because you barely spoke two words to each other. It was fine. Things were fine. You’d work it out. It was all lies and you understood that what you had just written was another lie to add to the pile.

A few days later, Natasha took you out of your stupor and nothingness to get some coffee. Seeing her was nice; seeing someone else than yourself was nice, but you wished she hadn’t brought up Steve to the table. You were fine trying to not think about him, barely succeeding at it, but still doing your best.

“How is he?” You sheepishly asked, not sure if you wanted to know the answer. You wished he was just as miserable as you were, lying on his bed for hours and staying locked up. But you knew him better than that.

“He’s sad,” she replied, “but he’s coping with it better than you are. He’s locking himself up in the gym and he’s being very vocal about it… Wanda’s been listening to him. What about you?”

“I’m doing fine,” you shrugged, but she didn’t seem very convinced and neither were you. “I haven’t found yet something to fill up my days with, but I’m getting there.”

“Tony told me you quit,” you could tell she was worried about you. “Why? Was it because of him? You nodded. “Have you started looking for a new job?” You shook your head. “I might have someone who can help you,” she smiled lightly. “You know, I care about you—and I know Steve’s my friend,” she hurried to add, “but you are my friend too. And you’re my girl, my pal,” you smiled.

  
She drove you home and you promised her you’d get on with your life. As months went by, you thought about how Steve was. Was he doing fine? Was talking to Wanda an effective coping method? Was he seeing someone else? You wished you could pick up the phone and call him, but that would probably go against your whole idea of being fine.

Who were you trying to fool? Every goddamned night you would break down and cry your eyes out before falling asleep. You were a mess and nothing you did made you feel less stupid. There was a hole in your chest and nothing could ever fill it. Even when your job was exhausting and demanding, Steve was there to fill your thoughts. You were not fine, and no matter how hard you tried, the shitty feelings would not go away.

In the mornings, you changed into your cleaning clothes and started getting your apartment all neat again. You rearranged your bedroom, the living room and the space you called your office. You’d do that every few months. And you started running. You started yoga. You started Pilates and all the relaxing shit you came across. You were trying new stuff, only to fail miserably at keeping Steve away from your thoughts. Keeping yourself busy was great for a while, but the day didn’t have enough hours for you to do stuff.

It was not a matter of just keeping him away. Now you wished to be better, you truly wished to be fine. It had been over a year and your heart was still being replaced by a black hole. You wanted to be able to tell Nat that you were actually fine without Steve; that you didn’t need him anymore, but everything about him haunted you.

In the bottom of your closet, you kept a box full of the things he left behind. These were mostly pictures of you two, and each one had the date when it was taken. There was one from four years ago, when Steve and you went to their first get-together as an item. Barton had taken that picture and you two had kept it because you looked extremely good together.

You were dancing in it, probably slow dancing, since you were wrapped by his huge arms, and you had yours around his shoulders. You looked fine there, you were fine. Then you found another one that was probably your favorite one. You two were taking a nap in on the quinjet. You were pressed against his chest, covered in dried blood and a blanket, whilst Steve had butterfly bandages on his forehead and an awful bruise on the corner of his mouth.

You looked terrible, all beaten up, but you were together, holding each other as you usually did. You smiled weakly, and the tears in your eyes made it hard to see. There it was the chest pain again, and the crying, and the sobbing, and the need to throw things away. You wanted to rip your heart from your chest because it honestly hurt too much and you couldn’t make it go away.

With others you were able to fake everything, but the minute you were alone with your thoughts, it was as if your cover fell to pieces and you were naked. Your feelings were too overwhelming for you to handle and you just wanted a small break from them. You just wished for a moment of peace.

To keep those pictures and memories buried in your closet was just like keeping a skeleton in the cupboard in the kitchen. You wouldn’t tell anyone, but you’d still know it was there and you’d go back to it every once in a while only to break down a little more as you had done a few times before.

But that wasn’t exactly healthy, and you were really trying to be healthy. You took the box outside and left it inside your nearest trash can. There was no turning back now.  
When sorrow and misery took over again—though less often now—you thought of your break up with Steve. The way he plainly told you to take care, and how he indifferently left you in a pit of melancholy. You wished you had said what you wanted to that day.

“Stay, Steve,” you said out loud for the very first time in over a year, but there was no one there to listen. It hurt just as much as when you heard it in your head. “Steve, please stay. Let’s work it out, but don’t go like this…” you couldn’t carry on, because the pain in your chest took over you again.

You were not fine.


	2. Year one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When one day, one month, one year passes, will we be living different lives?

Natasha’s birthday was around the corner and you dreaded to even think of it. Of course it meant celebrating with your best friend the day she was born, but it also meant to bump into Steve and you couldn’t bear to do it. So you texted her in advance that you wouldn’t make it to the party due to obvious reasons—they were obvious for you. In front of her, you still kept your façade going strong. You were fine without Steve and that was just about it… for her.

But being alone with your thoughts was something else. In about year and a half, you had done zero progress at all. Though you didn’t have any of his stuff at home anymore, you were constantly haunted by whatever thing. Everything made you thought of him, even when you changed most of your routine and barely did the things you used to do with him. Even when you tried to occupy your mind with other stuff, there he was again.

Since you borrowed some more time to buy Nat’s present, you went out shopping and hand it in person afterwards. Spring was full on, and things were blossoming around you… maybe except for you.

As you walked towards Natasha’s apartment block, it only took Steve’s bike to freeze you. You wanted to step back, but you were already going up the elevator towards her place. You knocked twice, but she was not the one to open up the door for you.

“Oh…” Steve said. It had been quite a long time since you two had last seen each other, and you were not ready to see him. “I mean, come on in…” he stepped aside, letting you in. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine,” you professionally lied. “What about you?”

“Mmm… yeah,” he simply said. “Hey, Nat’s in the bathroom—she’ll be right out, I’m gonna go now.”

“No need,” you shook your head. “I’m just gonna drop this here, say happy birthday and go,” you moved your hand in a careless manner. “So don’t worry, you can go back to what you guys were doing.”

“No—no,” he stammered, “it’s alright.”

“Cut it off you two,” Natasha came out of the bathroom chuckling. “No one’s leaving. Rogers arrived just a few minutes before you, and we were gonna have some drinks. Besides I need my birthday hug,” she smiled widely and you ran towards her and held her closely. “How you doing?” She whispered to your ear; your answer was a silent nod. “What did you get me?”

“Open it up,” you smiled lightly. “Happy birthday, babe,” you held her again. 

The three of you stayed together for a few hours, and though you were having an unexpectedly good time, having Steve’s eyes fixed on you made you uncomfortable. Drinks were good and all, but it was getting fairly late, and you just needed to escape from there.

“I’ll walk you home,” Steve said. “It’s still near, right?” But before you could protest, he spoke again. “Nat, back me up in this one, please?”

“Yeah, (Y/N),” she nodded. “It’s getting kinda dark and I would feel a lot more calm if you went with Steve. You can go on his bike.”

“No,” he shook his head. “I’ll come back for it later. Besides, we hadn’t seen each other in a while, we could catch up,” he placed an arm behind your shoulders and you were left without any other choice.

You two walked in silence for a while, you didn’t really know what to say. Steve glanced your way every once in a while. Out of a sudden, he grabbed your hand, and the mere touch made you flinch. 

“I just don’t want to lose you,” he explained calmly. “Or be without you…” he said in a softer voice.

“But Steve, you’re just walking me to my place…”

“I don’t want you to ever leave my side again…” he stopped and gently tugged at your arm. “I really don’t. I don’t think I can do it again…” he gulped, and his eyes slowly started to get watery. “(Y/N), listen to me,” he took your head in his hands, “trying to get over you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done—and I am currently failing miserably at it. Can’t you see it?”

“Steve…” you said softly. “I went to Nat’s house today just because I thought I was not going to see you there,” you shook your head. “I’ve never been worst in my life, Steve. I’ve been trying so hard—so goddamned hard to get over you and you come out of the blue and ruin my plans to not see you. How do you think I feel? Can’t you see how miserable I’ve been? Don’t do this to me right now,” you freed yourself from him. “I can’t do this—I just can’t, I’m sorry,” you shook your head and quickly walked away.

As you walked away, Steve grabbed your hand and made you turn around again. The minute he pressed his lips against yours you knew there was no turning back. You held on to him for dear life; you never wanted to leave him again—ever again. His hands were wrapped around your torso, lifting you up ever so slowly. You were melting on him, and you loved every second of it. 

Somehow, all the pain, misery and suffering seemed worth the while. As if life had it all planned for you to end up like this. Though you weren’t exactly happy with how destiny played its cards, since you had been inexplicably wretched this whole time, you couldn’t complain at him, kissing you so gently yet so passionately. It was like your first kiss all over again—and in a way, it was.

“I am not gonna leave you, (Y/N). I will never, ever, leave you,” he breathed right against your lips. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m sorry for not letting you know—you’re—you’re… I love you, (Y/N). I love you so much, and I swear I’m gonna make it up to you,” he pecked your lips swiftly. “I don’t know how, but I will—I don’t wanna lose you ever again.”

“Steve—don’t say that,” you held on to his wrist and looked at him… really looked at him. “Us, breaking up is… shared responsibility… but truth is I was an awful girlfriend too,” you shook your head. “I love you, Steve Rogers. I love you so much,” you chuckled. “Let’s just not leave each other, alright? I can’t bear to be that miserable again—just don’t ever leave me…”

“Never, baby girl,” he chuckled softly, brushing his lips gently against yours. “You’re stuck with me.”


End file.
